I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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