You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
