I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
