i just sent this text using only my big toe
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
