if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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