i need an iv and a liver transplant
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
