i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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