Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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