i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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