if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
