i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
