Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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