I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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