So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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