I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
