In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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