yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
