He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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