Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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