First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
