I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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