He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
