Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
