tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
