Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
