If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
