Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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