she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
