My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
