I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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