I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
