Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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