____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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