i love accidental penises.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
