Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
