Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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