3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
