Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
