No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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