I want to make a zoo with you.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Randomize
