if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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