i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
is wine microwaveable?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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