I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
