News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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