Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
