Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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