He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
