Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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