my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
