On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
