Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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