i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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