I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
